I always conceived my "Were They in Love" editorials as a trilogy, but since this is my noncommittal nerd blog, I haven't gotten around to finishing it in like...over the past year.
But the time has finally come to end the series with a bang.
In my previous editions of WTIL, I've covered a depiction of a real historical couple portrayed in fiction, and I've covered a fictional couple from a cartoon classic. But today, we're going to look at a celebrity couple. Generally I don't like talking about celebrities and celebrity relationships, but I think I can make an exception for this one.
Time to check in with the storied romance of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.
Name any two celebrities that aged more beautifully than these two. I'll wait.
Kermit and Miss Piggy are some of Hollywood's most recognizable actors, and they often come as a package deal. From their 1970s sketch comedy show The Muppet Show, their acclaimed film series, and even to their modern-day TV appearances - where Kermit goes, Miss Piggy isn't far behind.
While Kermit and Miss Piggy have often been casted as love interests in their acting careers, there is a deep behind-the-scenes saga about their true romance...if one could call it that.
The timeline of Kermit/Piggy's relationship has already been thoroughly covered by Business Insider, so I highly recommend reading through that article. In short, what is often perceived as a real-life "Hollywood romance" actually has a lot of upsetting twists and turns. The story of Kermit and Miss Piggy is really one of staged weddings and public meltdowns.
This upsetting interview was meant to promote the upcoming "Muppets in Disney World" TV special. But it quickly devolves into Miss Piggy and Kermit talking over each other and bickering as their poor host tries to keep calm. Towards the end, however, it all spirals out of control as Miss Piggy screamingly ends her and Kermit's relationship.
To make matters worse, Miss Piggy ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY ASSAULTS KERMIT ON TV before storming out of the stage, concluding the interview in a ruckus and shameful display.
Larry King only talked about the most important shit in our society.
While not as loud or violent as the 1990 interview, Kermit and Miss Piggy's 1993 interview with Larry King is teeth-gritting and hard to sit through. Larry King didn't help things, as he asked his guests probing questions about their relationship and the possibility of them "producing offspring" (ew).
What strikes me about this video as wrong is the fact that Miss Piggy and Kermit do not seem to be on the same page on their relationship at all - with Piggy claiming that they are secretly together, and Mr. The Frog denying each claim.
3. The Muppet Movie (1979)
To conclude this, I'm going back to the very start.
The classic 1979 film The Muppet Movie is a fictionalized take at how Kermit and his friends met each other to create the musical/sketch comedy ensemble troupe, The Muppets. While we can give the movie and its plot the benefit of the doubt, it shows a less-than-favorable take on how Kermit and Miss Piggy "fell in love."
"Never before, and never again..."
Supposedly, from Miss Piggy's perspective, it was love at first sight. Despite this rapturous first meeting, when you watch the film, you see that Kermit is constantly off put by Miss Piggy's strong advances, and the two are never on the same page.
Rewatching this film as an adult was a lesson for me, because it opened my eyes to the fact that Kermit and Miss Piggy were doomed to fail as a couple.
In conclusion, given all this evidence...were they in love?
My answer: No, actually, I don't believe they were, or are, or ever will be. Miss Piggy may have wanted Kermit to love her on her terms, and Kermit was never ready to deliver on that.
While I'm certainly a fan of both of their respective works as actors, musicians, and producers, I can't say that I appreciate what they've done to each other in the past. But I think we all can respect the fact that it seems that they have moved on and found adjustment in their lives, despite what more of their fictionalized films have to say about their lives.
While Kermit and Miss Piggy are an iconic duo...let's admit it, they are a toxic couple.
Aaaaaaand that concludes the "Were They in Love" trilogy, my attempted at doing consistent editorial work for my blog discussing iconic couples that have actually mediocre love stories. I don't know what I'm doing next with this silly blog as I'm now working full-time and trying to pursue publishing on the side, so...until next time, whenever that may be.
Welcome to the first edition of "Where They in Love?" This is a new series of editorials I'll be writing in which I analyze movies/books/TV shows that have great plot and characters, but an otherwise sucky or lame romantic lead. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes the characters just have no chemistry.
The first "love" story that's on the chopping block is the musical Evita. The romance presented in this musical is like nothing else you'll ever see, so I thought it was worth writing about. That, and I've been obsessed with this 40-year-old musical for some reason, so this is my outlet.
Oh, what a circus...
Part One: The Crash Course on Evita
Evita is a musical first produced in 1978, written by his holiness Andrew Lloyd Webber and with lyrics by Tim Rice. For a great introduction to the legacy of the title character and a taste of the music, here's a great video to get you started:
A live performance of "And the Money Kept Rolling In" from the 2012 Tony Awards, introduced by a hostess I don't recognize. Sorry.
While it's not a household name like some of Webber's other musicals (Phantom of the Oprah, Cats), Evita was still successful enough to tour over ten times since its premiere and even led to a film adaptation in 1996 staring Madonna. Yes...that Madonna.
Sources say she wanted this role so much that she wrote letters to the director, Alan Parker.
Evita tells the story of Eva Perón, an important historical figure of South American pop culture and politics. For six years, she was married to Juan Perón, former president of Argentina. Perón was in office from 1946 from 1955, and despite both him and Eva being long dead, they remain extremely controversial figures in Argentina to this day.
Full disclosure: I'm not Argentinian. I did a bit of research for the writing of this article, but I am in no means an expert on the subject of Argentina and its history. Frankly, because these are long-dead real people who were deep in the politics of their own country, it's hard to find any resource on them that I'm sure is factually reliable. So take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Is this what Buenos Aires is really like??? Don't know, haven't been.
Supposedly, Webber and Rice only had access to one biography about Eva Perón, which happened to be written by one of the Peróns' opponents. There was a lot of outside bias that influenced the writing of Evita that Webber and Rice were themselves unaware of, so the musical itself is full of inaccuracies. The general life story of Eva is very sensational.
Searching for success as an actress, a teenage Eva Perón moved to Buenos Aires. She gained some notoriety as a radio performer. At a charity concert, she met and later married Colonel Juan Perón. She became essential to his political campaigns as a spokesperson and icon, being dubbed the "spiritual leader of Argentina."
A picture of the real Eva Duarte Perón.
The musical Evita follows the title character as she rises from squalor to glory, yet ultimately succumbs to illness. The story doesn't really go into the details about Peronism and its impact on the scene of Argentinian politics, which is understandable, because that would be far too complex for a general audiences. There's also evidence that President Juan Perón was a Nazi sympathizer, which isn't a good look for anyone.
Instead of all that ugliness that comes with being a near dictator, Evita the musical gives a vague overview on the Perons' complex actions and attitudes while in office. Sometimes, Eva's opportunism and Juan's willingness to oppress his opponents paint them as scheming villains. Yet, they are still endeared to the audience through moments of vulnerability. The character of Juan is shown to be weak without his wife, and Eva pushes herself too hard out of her own childhood trauma. The musical ends with the death of Eva, her last line being a haunting message to the children she never had, symbolically addressing all of Argentina: "Oh my daughter! / Oh my son! / Please understand what I have done."
As a musical, there is a lot to admire. There aren't any orchestral showstoppers like "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" or "Memory," instead leaning more into modern styles of pop and Latin music. "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" is still an incredible song because of how the context changes its meaning. When Eva first sings the song, it's her apologizing for her pursuing a life of fame when she always should have been helping the poor people of her country. The second time we hear her sing, it's a message from beyond the grave, as she serenades the thousands who mourn her. While the songs of Evita lack an earworm, they make up for in how much story and character they pack in. In terms of historical musicals, Evita walked so Hamilton could run. In fact, both stories are told to the audience from a narrators' perspective, with Aaron Burr telling Hamilton's story and the enigmatic Che telling Eva's story.
Elena Roger as Evita, the first actual Argentinian to play the title character.
Part Two: Where Eva and Juan in Love?
In the musical, it's clear that Eva and Juan only married each other for the benefit of their own careers. They did not really fall in love. I even understood this as a thirteen-year-old watching Evita for the first time at a local theater.
Eva and Juan meet midway through act one, through the musical number "I'd Be Surprisingly Good for You." In this scene, Eva immediately proposes they become a couple. The arguments she presents immediately win him over as they both realize how their relationship could be mutually beneficial. She gets exposure through him, and he gets a First Lady to help promote his political campaigns. To hammer in the point of how fake it all is (at least in the stage performances), Eva and Juan break into a refrain of the song "Goodnight and Thank You," proclaiming "There is no one, no one at all / never has been, and never will be a lover, male or female / who hasn't an eye on, in fact they rely on / tricks they can try on their partner."
But the music, man. The atmosphere. The saxophone in this song is so jazzy and sensual. The chemistry between the two is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. There is no real "romance" in the story, as it focuses on Eva and Juan's political climb, but the performance of the actors always makes it feel romantic. Each actor plays it different, from Patti LuPone's determination and assertiveness (from the Original Broadway Cast recording of 1979), to Madonna's sultry seductive tone. The end result is always the same. A marriage of convenience, at the very least.
Another important thing I realized while listening to Evita recently is that out of all of Eva's arguments that she makes, this is the one that is the most effective. In her acting career and her political career, Eva struggles to gain an audience that wholly believes in her. Juan Perón is portrayed as the one person who was completely compelled by her, hanging onto every word.
Beyond their initial chemistry, Eva and Juan are united in many things. They are united in how they let down people in their life ("Another Suitcase in Another Hall" from the point of view of the lover Juan abandoned, "Santa Evita" from the point of view of the public that Eva does not actually go out of her way to help). They are united in how involvement in politics drastically ruined the quality of their lives. They are probably the only people they could understand. It's very likely that through the course of the story, their feelings might have grown to become genuine.
Evidence for this is few and far between. Evidence for this includes the song "Dice Are Rolling." On stage, Juan is trying to convince Eva to slow down her pace and think of her health. When she collapses, he rushes to her side. In the musical score, we hear a refrain of "I'd Be Surprisingly Good For You," the song of their courtship. Except now, it's slower, sounding broken, reflecting the state of Eva and Juan's willpower as she crumbles. This highlights just how important their meeting and their partnership was to both of their success, but when one fails, they both fail.
Another strong piece of evidence comes in the form of the song "You Must Love Me." This Oscar-bait song was written exclusively to promote the '96 film adaptation. While its exigence may be cynical, the result is an emotional moment between Eva and Juan as they come to terms with her eminent death. In the song, Eva sings to Juan, implying that she has developed deep feelings that she can't speak aloud, and insisting to him, "You must love me." This is a double-entendre, as Eva is pleading Juan to comfort her in her dying moments, and also her asserting he must have developed feelings for her too after all they've been through. Ignoring the song's sappy lyrics, way that this scene is staged is sublime. Juan's devotion for his wife is evidence as he takes care of her, despite the legion of servants who are supposed to do the job for him. This song was so well-received that it became incorporated into later stage productions of Evita.
I'm the president, dammit! If I want to carry my sick wife up the stairs
bridal-style in the saddest way possible, I'll do it!
While Eva is the protagonist and her goal is fame and political influence, her relationship to Juan is also integral to the story. The plot is not inherently romantic, where the success of her journey rides or dies on her falling in love. Whether or not Eva even "achieves" her goal in this story is up do debate, as she dies of a young age with half of her beloved country hating her. Yes, she became one of the most famous women in all of Latin America, but at what cost? Regardless, she wasn't alone. Whether they loved each other or not, Eva had Juan, and Juan had Evita. Neither of them could have gotten where they were without the other.
My ruling is: Eva and Juan have a "Stealth Romance."
It wasn't their plan to fall in love. Their political ambitions always took priority over their personal lives. But given all they did together, they had to love each other at least a little bit.
Of course, this is not a statement about the real people Eva Perón and Juan Perón. We have no idea what they were getting up to in real life. It probably wasn't good, as two out of three of Juan's wives (including Eva herself) died of cervical cancer, which women often get from having HPV. Juan probably reduced Eva's lifespan. There's also evidence that Eva was forced to have a lobotomy, a common surgery performed on "hysterical women" back in the 40s and 50s. Juan was also twice Eva's age when they met, so that makes things a little creepy.
But Evita the musical is separated enough from Eva the person that I think we can talk about one without referring to the other. I'll continue to enjoy listening to the many adaptations of Evita in the future, and continue to appreciate one of the most unique stories of partnership ever told.
Eva and Juan, underwhelmingly tragic. Or, perhaps, tragically underwhelming.
The new scary T-Rex is the chicken-faced fluff monster who emits a low rumble instead of a roar.
Recently I've been on a huge dinosaur kick. This is due to the fact that I'm writing a book about a dinosaur brain resurrected into a human body. I'll level with you all: the story is completely impulse-driven and lacks a coherent plotline, as well as suffers from a consistent tone. For inspiration, I've been revisiting some lesser-known pieces of Dinosaur-centric art.
Everyone loves the nostalgic classics like Jurassic Park and Land Before Time, but what else is there in the world of dinosaur fiction and storytelling? Here's a list of different pieces of media that are very Dinosaur-focused that you may or may not have heard about!
Here's a fun story. On a trip to Colorado to visit some extended family of mine, we visited Dinosaur Ridge. It's a hybrid indoor/outdoor museum that takes you through reconstructed bone fossils and even fossilized footprints on nearby rock walls. At the gift shop, I picked up a cool-looking book called Raptor Red. The shopkeeper informed me that the author, archeologist Robert T. Bakker, just so happened to be there at the museum. I introduced myself as a young writer and got Bakker to sign my copy. I remember the scene perfectly...he was in a rocking chair, gazing at the dry Colorado landscape like a cool old dude should be. I've actually read through his findings a lot as part of my research for my own book, and I hope to meet Bakker again someday and express my regards.
My signed copy is one of my most precious possessions.
Raptor Red is a fictionalized account of what the life of Utahraptors might have been like. It follows the eponymous Raptor Red as she struggles to find a mate and a safe place to settle down. There's no dialogue or anthropomorphization involved, making it as scientific as possible. The point of view also wanders around to different creatures of the Cretaceous period, like early crocodilians and frogs, giving you a full scope of what the land might have been like. The narrative tone itself might come off as dry, since it reads like a fictional documentary. If you have an interest in dinosaurs and a keen imagination, Raptor Red will hopefully entertain and educate you. There's no other book quite like it.
If you're the type of person who prefers a striking visual component when it comes to imagining Dinosaurs, this comic may be thing for you. Even if you're not a huge fan of Dinosaurs, and enjoy narratives about war and family, Darbi might be worth checking out.
FAIR WARNING THOUGH: There is a lot of gore.
I love this little motherfucker.
I discovered Darbi through the Webtoon app, which provides thousands of free-to-read comics from a diverse number of creators. Darbi tells the story of a young T-Rex as he makes his way through the tragedies and hardships that come with living in the Dinosaur world. It's a dark story, but when it attempts to foster heartfelt moments, they are completely earned.
Aside from the plot, which makes your heart ache and rewards you in equal measures, the artwork is absolutely phenomenal. The creator, Sherard Jackson, adds so much motion in his linework. Yet, the colors feel soft, capturing the duality of the story itself. Not to mention Jackson's imagination in giving worldbuilding to the Dinosaurs, while still keeping their designs modern. Big feathery T-Rex with a mohawk? Hell yes.
The only drawback, aside from the previously mentioned gore (and there is a lot), the dialogue of the characters might through you off, because the way they speak is very human-like. But if you're a fan of Tarantino-esc action, Boondox-style irreverent humor, and badass motherfucking Dinosaurs, I cannot recommend Darbi enough. Darbi doesn't fit the mold for the popular Webtoon model of sensitive love stories (Lore Olympus, Castle Swimmer, Suitor Armor, etc.), but I think this comic deserves so much love. Not to mention, it's totally free to read.
Historically speaking, Fantasia is an important film. It set the president for music videos and gave 2D animators the opportunity to experiment with their craft like never before. Fantasia is composed of seven different animated segments set to different pieces of classical music. The most iconic being The Sorcerer's Apprentice, staring Mickey Mouse in the classic blue wizard hat.
Granted, Fantasia is not a perfect film, as some animated segments aren't as visually interesting as the others. It's also difficult watching through the entire thing in one sitting.
My favorite segment, the one that I return to watch again and again, is The Rite of Spring. This animated segment portrays Earth in prehistoric times, following the evolution of life on Earth and ending with the death of the Dinosaurs. There is no dialogue or typical narrative structure, allowing the splendid visuals alone to carry you through. Through subtle artistry, it captures the quiet mystery of prehistoric times.
Fantasia is not without its controversies, and this segment in particular was criticized for displaying a scientific view on how life began on Earth. I live in a Western society where a lot of cultural input on beauty and majesty has been greatly influenced by religious imagery. The Rite of Spring shows us that there is beauty and majesty in the world of scientific imagination.
The Rite of Spring does not attempt to draw any great moral message, or even a greater purpose. It simply allows Disney artists to portray prehistoric lifeforms. It is a work of art that simply exists beyond "good" and "evil," portraying nature in its most pure state. Dinosaurs were just something that happened. How it makes you feel is completely up to you.
In my mind, The Rite of Spring segment of Fantasia is one of the highest pieces of art Disney has produced. It expresses one of the most mysterious episode of Earth's history in sublime detail and with great imagination. No talking animals or a celebrity voice cast is necessary.
Fossil Fighters - 2008 video game for the Nintendo DS
WARNING: Rant ahead of me talking about this obscure cornerstone of my childhood.
When I was nine years old, I saw a trailer for this video game. I thought about it for weeks afterwards, imagining a Pokémon-like game of capturing and battling creatures - except those creatures were Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs I had to bring back from the dead, using their fossils that I dug up myself. To a nine-year-old me, that was the ultimate power fantasy. On my tenth birthday, my uncle asked me if there was any gift I wanted that I didn't get. I told him I wanted Fossil Fighters on the DS. He drove me to a GameStop and bought it for me, no questions asked. I had to admit, I felt a little embarrassed asking for a game that was clearly marketed for boys (more on that later), but I felt so happy as soon as it was in my hands that it didn't even matter anymore. Throughout the years, while I sold many of my old video games, I always held onto Fossil Fighters. I still have the original case and cartridge to this day.
So, what is this game about, other than making scientific abominations and giving them to children with barely any regulations?
The story of Fossil Fighters starts out pretty generic. You're the new kid on an island full of people who battle using resurrected Dinosaurs, dubbed "Vivosaurs." Every chapter of the game, you go on a new quest and learn more about the world and the characters around you. And of course, every new location you unlock gives you access to all kinds of Dinosaurs, Dinosaurs I would've never learned about otherwise. While the designs aren't scientifically accurate, they are unique, dynamic, and full of personality.
Ourano, a.k.a. the Ouranosaurus. The first Vivosaur I ever got to a gold ranking.
What if I told you he's a great dancer?
The combat distinguishes itself from Pokémon in many ways. The first thing that's different is that you control three monsters for each turn. The position of the Vivosaurs on the battlefield is crucial. Each species has different buffs that they attribute to the team's "leader," so if you go into a battle unprepared, you will definitely be at a disadvantage. The NPCs in Fossil Fighters aren't feeding you bullshit about how your bond with your creatures will make them stronger, like they do in literally every piece of Pokémon media, so you won't feel guilty about optimizing your team. When you play Fossil Fighters, it really makes you think critically about your decisions. This is an improvement from Pokémon, in which all you really need to do to win is memorize type matchups and know when to change characters.
One of the most fun (and stressful) parts about Fossil Fighters is the mini game in which you have to clean your fossils of rock and debris. This is completely reliant on the Nintendo DS's touch screen, so don't expect a remake of this game anytime soon. *sigh*
The plot starts off pretty predictable, giving you a fake-out ending where you have to take down the leader of a band of bad guys. Very Pokémon-esc indeed. In fact, there's a trio of higher-ranking bad guys that disturbingly mimic the iconic Team Rocket Trio from the Pokémon anime.
Somebody call Officer Jenny, this can't be legal.
The story takes a crazy turn when we get into some shenanigans with aliens and time travel. There's also a surprising existential twist that makes you question the origins of humanity. Are we truly natives of Earth, or is life on Earth the result of other astral bodies and higher beings? That kind of stuff blew my mind as a ten-year-old.
The best part about the narrative is the characters. Holy moly, these characters are funny! I recently replayed the game as a 21-year-old, and I found myself snickering the whole way through. Some of my favorites are the helpful but absent-minded Dr. Diggins, the absolute madman Nick Nack, and the jolly ghost pirate Captain Woolbeard. The 3-D models allow the characters to have more dynamic movement than sprites, which allows for more comedic opportunities.
Did you also know this game about resurrecting dinosaurs has love interests? The game forces you into a male protagonist role, which was something I wasn't thrilled about as a ten-year-old. I appreciated how Pokémon let you choose between male or female avatars, though I almost always picked the male ones. I just liked having the option. It soon became evident to me that they forced you to play as the male character because you have two love interests. There's Rosie Richmond, your bratty but well-meaning best friend who's with you from the start. Then there's Duna, the mysterious and distant stranger who is part of the great mystery in the finale. The end of the game gives you the option to choose who you like better. According to the fans, Duna is the "right" choice, but to me, I was a Rosie loyalist. No, seriously, that's the moment I should have known I wasn't hetero. Rosie Richmond was my first fictional crush, and ten-year-old me was madly in love.
Fossil Fighters taught me about dinosaurs and how to be gay.
As a kid, Fossil Fighters gave me an incredible chance to escape into the dinosaur world. It was the perfect balance of a unique story, lovable characters, and challenging gameplay. There were even educational opportunities, as each Vivosaur you found added to a bonus library of fun facts about their real-world Dinosaur counterparts. Unfortunately, I didn't find enjoyment in the sequels, and it seems the franchise has become extinct. But I still have the fossils. I never realized how big of an impact this game had on my life until just recently, so I'm glad I got to share my appreciation for this obscure title.
That wraps it up for this month's article. January is my least favorite month of the year, so thank you for bearing with me while I gush on about something that gives me joy. Dinosaurs may be extinct, but we can learn so much from what they left behind. They are inspiring as well as humbling, reminding us that life on Earth can be easy to take, but impossible to wipe out.
After listening to thealbums Apex and Abyss by Canadian heavy metal band Unleash the Archers, it's hard to go back. Fast-paced, earnest, and driven by a gripping narrative, Apex and Abyss has been my obsession for the past five months. These two albums have set the standard of all other concept albums I listen to. It's my go-to playlist when taking the long drive to work. It's perfect listening for a workout, when you want to feel like a sword-wielding hero on a battlefield instead of an out-of-breath jogger like you actually are. I've spent enough hours listening to Apex and Abyss that I have a firm handle on what I believe are the best songs and which are the least best. Time to express my rabid fanaticism.
A cursed warrior called The Immortal is awakened from slumber by the villianous Matriarch to do her bidding. His quest is to find her four sons and deliver them home alive. Her sons include a corrupt politician, a manipulative false prophet, a general commanding The Matriarch's army, and a man who chose to live an honest life. Once the job is complete, the sons are sacrificed to create The Matriarch's elixir of life, giving her immortality and ensuring her reign will never end. After resting for many more years, The Immortal is awoken again by The Matriarch's grandson, who plans to end her reign with their combined strength. The Immortal is given a sense of purpose and hope as the chase begins. After an intense battle that decides the fate of the world, The Immortal emerges victorious and vows to make the world a better place.
20. Shadow Guide (Apex track 02)
Out of all songs in both albums, this is the one I least look forward to. While making this list, I ranked each song based on the criteria of (1) importance to the story and (2) overall musicality. The lyrics of this song describe the recently awakened Immortal looking for a sign from a falcon, his titular shadow guide, to point him to the direction of his new master. Overall, the appearance is not the most compelling way to kick off an adventure story. This is also probably the least catchy song on the list, it never gets stuck in my head. While far from being a bad song, it is the weakest in the catalogue, especially considering the masterpieces that are to come.
19. Waking Dream (Abyss track 01)
I give "Waking Dream" credit for being unique: it's one of those songs that builds up, adding a new layer of sound with each of the repeating stanzas. The gradual growth gives me chills each time, and the increasing power behind Slayes's vocals makes it a cathartic song to lip-synch to. It does a perfect job conveying The Immortal's rest between the two halves of the story, as well as establishing the refrain in the final track of the album. While the song functions well, it still is low on the list for its short length and lyrical simplicity.
18. The Coward's Way (Apex track 05)
This is the first song on The Immortal's journey to find The Matriarch's sons, as the initial verse of the song serves as pure exposition. It sets up the corrupt nature of the sons and captures the personality of the eldest as being - you guessed it - a coward. It serves its purpose for establishing the feeling of not only breaking into a quest, but a noble one, as The Immortal cleanses the land of the weak and wicked. While it is no doubt a kickass jam, the chorus doesn't quite deliver the same punch as some of the other songs above on this list.
17. Through Stars (Abyss track 03)
Similar to "Shadow Guide," "Through Stars" has a weaker role in the narrative. "Through Stars" appears as the third track on the second album, giving us a straight look into The Immortal's thoughts after he is awakened once again. Outright declarations of emotions are not the most powerful source of writing (perhaps you're familiar with the phrase "show don't tell"), but that's also kind of a requirement for songwriting, so I can't get too critical. Also, the guitar solo at the end is absolutely killer. I have the habit of singing The Offspring's "Gone Away" over it every time the song plays.
16. Apex (Apex track 10)
I shocked myself by placing "Apex" so low on this list. It's the end of the first album, the intense closer to act one, what could go wrong? Nothing went wrong, it just came off the heels from the song "Call Me Immortal," which also acts as winding down the narrative, so it comes off as a bit repetitive. Still, this song rocks. The Immortal's description of his pain and how he looks to his mountain as a place of healing is touching, serving as a great relief after such hard-fought battles. The musical rise and fall creates an apex of its own, showing off UtA's talent for writing songs with both power and meaning.
15. The Matriarch (Apex track 03)
This song is just pure wicked fun. The lyrics are mostly exposition, told in the form of a third person fable about the title character's villainy. However, the creativity and poetry used to describe The Matriarch and her deeds is visceral and irresistible. Everyone loves a good villain song. 'Nuff said.
14. Faster Than Light (Abyss track 07)
When you're on a jog and need a reminder to run, this is the song you want to appear next on your playlist. I have a feeling that's exactly what UtA had in mind while writing this, because that's exactly what they did with the music video.
Not only is it catchy as hell, the lyrics convey the inspiration to move forward and become more than what you thought you could be. As The Immortal and The Grandson outrun The Matriarch, you too can break past whatever is holding you back. Or just go for a run.
13. Abyss (Abyss track 02)
After waking up from his sleep between albums, The Immortal greets us with this soaring epic. Despite what the title implies, "Abyss" sets the tone of the album as brighter and more hopeful, while the contemplative lyrics reflect The Immortal's internal story arc. It sets him on a quest of the physical, mental, and spiritual. Also, you can bet your ass every time Slayes declares, "I AM THE WEAPON OF EMPIRES PAST," I sing along. It makes me feel that much cooler.
12. Ten Thousand Against One (Apex track 07)
This song is about the third son The Immortal must hunt down, or rather, his loyal soldiers who are slain to protect their general. The story in this song is almost a tragedy, as an army must fight one person they know they cannot kill. It's also an absolute beast to listen to, thundering with heavy percussions, making it the perfect song to listen to while marching off to an epic fantasy battle. Highly recommend listening to it before a DnD session.
11. Awakening (Apex track 01)
Every time I play this album, I relish in the cinematic buildup and that initial YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! from Slayes. It's like a welcome home, in a way. The Immortal describes who he is and what he sees after waking up, with the foreboding feeling that this master will not be like the others who used him before. And, indeed, we get that feeling of dread hearing the voice of The Matriarch, performed by guitarist Grant Truesdall, which becomes a constant companion to The Immortal and his journey. It's the perfect blend of excitement and narrative to start a grand tale.
10. Call Me Immortal (Apex track 09)
In my mind, this is the true grand finale to the first album Apex. This song is very narrative-driven, as The Immortal reflects on the role he has played in The Matriarch's rise to power, setting up his emotional character arc in Abyss. The sweeping instrumentals perfectly transposes The Immortal's tension into song, and the titular declaration of "Call me Immortal" not only builds hype, but closes the book on act one of this epic saga.
9. Soulbound (Abyss track 06)
In the school of writing, there exists a rule known as "planting and payoff," also known by the name "Chekov's gun." If you want to use something late in the story, make sure it's mentioned earlier on. "Soulbound" is the Chekov's gun of Apex and Abyss, and the payoff is a wickedly good song. The Immortal spent half of act one hunting down the sons of The Matriarch, and this song in act two is about him being chased by their zombified forms. Thematically, it serves a purpose as it shows The Immortal's ill deeds coming back to haunt him. Musically, it's a rush that makes you feel the desperation and adrenaline of the chase.
8. The Wind That Shapes the Land (Abyss track 08)
This song is arguably the most important in both albums. It's the moment that The Immortal achieves apotheosis, summons his inner strength, and finally takes down his villainous master. The construction of this song is not my favorite, as it suffers a few starts-and-stops, but it makes up for it by featuring an intense buildup and experimental BPM switches. This song constructs a landscape of the rise and fall of battle through its music. It belongs in the ranks of Bohemian Rhapsody,Welcome to the Black Parade, and Jesus of Suburbia as self-contained orchestral epics.
7. Earth and Ashes (Apex track 08)
Within the story of Apex and Abyss, there also exists the story of one of The Matriarch's sons, a peaceful soul who renounced living his life to obtain power. When The Immortal arrives to bring him home, there is no battle to be fought, only an emotional toll as The Immortal realizes the unfairness of the situation. The son's assertion of "Earth and ashes / when I'm gone will still remain," reference his investment of time into his love and his family - instead of power like his brothers - show how he is in fact made richer than them all. This is proved to us when his son, referred to only as The Grandson, appears in Abyss to become The Immortal's most influential friend and guide. All of this to say, "Earth and Ashes" is an incredible song for the seeds it plants into the narrative. The duet between Slayes and guitarist Andrew Kingsley adds a new dimension of character as well, making the exchange that much more emotional.
6. Return to Me (Abyss track 05)
Out of all of the songs in these two albums, "Return to Me" is what I would describe as the most fun. The song is sung from the point of view of The Matriarch as she begins chasing after The Immortal and The Grandson. It's a total power trip as she sings about how her total control over the universe and the fate of every soul within. Her declaration of "the universe is mine" and the echoing unclean vocals by Truesdell feel so visceral. It hits like a battering ram on a rhinoceros driving a tank. It's one of those songs that I can feel vibrate within my own bones as I listen.
5. Cleanse the Bloodlines (Apex track 04)
If I had one tenth of The Matriarch's confidence, I'd have enough to take over the world for myself. This song takes place early on in Apex and is crucial to explaining the plot, as she gives her orders to The Immortal. The choral chanting and heavy percussions set the stage for what is to come - an epic adventure in which the fate of the known universe hangs in the balance of all-powerful forces. Sit down, Sauron, you've been replaced. While making this list, I did not consider music videos as part of the ranking. Still, I need to mention how much I appreciate the video for "Cleanse the Bloodlines." As a fiction writer who works tirelessly on my own passion projects, watching this video gives me so much inspiration and hope. Every time you see beautiful people on screen, you can tell they relish every second of it. I wish to be there one day.
4. Afterlife (Abyss track 10)
I'm a sucker for a good ending. That's why I will stand by Return of the Jedi as my favorite Star Wars movie - I don't care what the nerds say! "Afterlife" concludes the story of The Immortal in the most satisfying way by having him win his freedom and pass on the message of making your future bright, no matter what darkness lies in your past. "Afterlife" also brings us into a new dimension of music, as it both opens and closes with a whimsical flute solo that sounds like it came right out of the golden era of Disney. The return to the melody of "Waking Dream" also flexes just how much thought and care UtA puts into their songwriting. "Afterlife" is the perfect ending to a phenomenal duology of albums and entices you to listen to them again and again.
3. Legacy (Abyss track 04)
As we reach my final top three, we continue the subplot of "Earth and Ashes" with "Legacy." This song occurs early on in Abyss, finding The Immortal after his ruminating in "Through Stars." Suddenly, there is an explosion of sound as a new character emerges - The Grandson of the Matriarch. He declares, "As I was wondering the world / trying so hard to find you." Slayes' delivery of this line shows off not only her impressive vocal range, but her acting as well. Us, as the listeners, feel "found" by this song. The introduction of The Grandson as a guiding light and sort of father-figure to The Immortal is a much needed warm welcome. It solidifies the tone of Abyss to be more hopeful and inspiring, which is something that we all need in life.
2. False Walls (Apex track 06)
If you read the whole list up to now, you'll notice that I have a certain preference for songs: narrative-driven with musicality that reflects the story. That's why I rank "False Walls" as one of my favorites. Despite it being another "hunt down the bastard" song in the same vein as "The Coward's Way" and "Ten Thousand Against One," "False Walls" isn't just about The Immortal on a hunt. It's not a physical challenge - it's a challenge of his own mind. "False Walls" tells the story of the son that takes most after his mother, a religious overlord who uses deception and lies to control his followers. The lyrics start by placing us into a location (To the south there's a city / Ruled by a serpent tongue) giving us the vibes of an old western or samurai showdown. The words used to describe The Immortal's struggle over the false prophet are pure poetry (As though a fog has been lifted cries echo around us / And like his brother before him I feel no remorse). To top it all off, the music is absolutely, shamelessly, 100% badass. My favorite part is the guitar solo that tears through the bridge - it's slow, precise, but electrifying - painting a visual image of a swirling sandstorm, much like the false walls conjured by the false prophet. While this song may just describe another mission for The Immortal in act one, the execution is beyond phenomenal. It shows off what a seasoned and talented group of musicians is truly capable of.
1. Carry the Flame
This might be a controversial opinion. "Carry the Flame" is not a structurally experimental song like "The Wind that Shapes the Land," nor is it lyrically complex like "False Walls." It's possible to say that this song is the most simplistic in its structure - verse / pre-chorus / chorus / verse / pre-chorus / chorus. Abyss was the first album I listened to by UtA. I didn't even know it was a concept album. Yet, when I heard "Carry the Flame" for the first time, I knew I was listening to something special. There was meaning behind the music and heart poured into every word. This song takes place between the final battle of "The Wind that Shapes the Land" and the grand finale of "Afterlife." What could possibly happen between those two plot points that demands a song? Oh, right, The Grandson dies! This song is a heartbreaking goodbye to the one friend The Immortal has ever known, with him desperately begging, "All I ask is one moment more." Kingsley sings the role of The Grandson, giving the audience a mental throwback to his role in "Earth and Ashes." He trusts the future in the hands of The Immortal and promises that he will always be with him. It's tragic and bittersweet. Each repetition of "My guiding light / Fire in the night" becomes more heartfelt than the last, and when Kingsley's voice finally slips away, Slayes comes in harder, embodying all of The Immortal's inner strength and will to continue living. The simplicity works in its favor. What else needs to be said?
Aaaaaanddddd...that's my list. It's 100% subjective so there is no need to take it too seriously. I'm speaking from my soul here. Regardless, I hope that I have properly conveyed how much I love these two albums and how much it means to me.
For the sake of streamlining everything, here is my list ranked by individual album:
