Were they in love? Kermit and Miss Piggy

I always conceived my "Were They in Love" editorials as a trilogy, but since this is my noncommittal nerd blog, I haven't gotten around to finishing it in like...over the past year. 

But the time has finally come to end the series with a bang.

In my previous editions of WTIL, I've covered a depiction of a real historical couple portrayed in fiction, and I've covered a fictional couple from a cartoon classic. But today, we're going to look at a celebrity couple. Generally I don't like talking about celebrities and celebrity relationships, but I think I can make an exception for this one.

Time to check in with the storied romance of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. 

Name any two celebrities that aged more beautifully than these two. I'll wait.

Kermit and Miss Piggy are some of Hollywood's most recognizable actors, and they often come as a package deal. From their 1970s sketch comedy show The Muppet Show, their acclaimed film series, and even to their modern-day TV appearances - where Kermit goes, Miss Piggy isn't far behind. 

While Kermit and Miss Piggy have often been casted as love interests in their acting careers, there is a deep behind-the-scenes saga about their true romance...if one could call it that.

The timeline of Kermit/Piggy's relationship has already been thoroughly covered by Business Insider, so I highly recommend reading through that article. In short, what is often perceived as a real-life "Hollywood romance" actually has a lot of upsetting twists and turns. The story of Kermit and Miss Piggy is really one of staged weddings and public meltdowns. 

Here's the most important pieces of evidence:

1. The 1990 Today Show Break-Up

Miss Piggy at her worst.

This upsetting interview was meant to promote the upcoming "Muppets in Disney World" TV special. But it quickly devolves into Miss Piggy and Kermit talking over each other and bickering as their poor host tries to keep calm. Towards the end, however, it all spirals out of control as Miss Piggy screamingly ends her and Kermit's relationship.

To make matters worse, Miss Piggy ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY ASSAULTS KERMIT ON TV before storming out of the stage, concluding the interview in a ruckus and shameful display. 

2. The 1993 Larry King Interview

Larry King only talked about the most important shit in our society.

While not as loud or violent as the 1990 interview, Kermit and Miss Piggy's 1993 interview with Larry King is teeth-gritting and hard to sit through. Larry King didn't help things, as he asked his guests probing questions about their relationship and the possibility of them "producing offspring" (ew).

What strikes me about this video as wrong is the fact that Miss Piggy and Kermit do not seem to be on the same page on their relationship at all - with Piggy claiming that they are secretly together, and Mr. The Frog denying each claim. 

3. The Muppet Movie (1979)

To conclude this, I'm going back to the very start.

The classic 1979 film The Muppet Movie is a fictionalized take at how Kermit and his friends met each other to create the musical/sketch comedy ensemble troupe, The Muppets. While we can give the movie and its plot the benefit of the doubt, it shows a less-than-favorable take on how Kermit and Miss Piggy "fell in love."

"Never before, and never again..."

Supposedly, from Miss Piggy's perspective, it was love at first sight. Despite this rapturous first meeting, when you watch the film, you see that Kermit is constantly off put by Miss Piggy's strong advances, and the two are never on the same page.

Rewatching this film as an adult was a lesson for me, because it opened my eyes to the fact that Kermit and Miss Piggy were doomed to fail as a couple.

In conclusion, given all this evidence...were they in love?

My answer: No, actually, I don't believe they were, or are, or ever will be. Miss Piggy may have wanted Kermit to love her on her terms, and Kermit was never ready to deliver on that.

While I'm certainly a fan of both of their respective works as actors, musicians, and producers, I can't say that I appreciate what they've done to each other in the past. But I think we all can respect the fact that it seems that they have moved on and found adjustment in their lives, despite what more of their fictionalized films have to say about their lives.

While Kermit and Miss Piggy are an iconic duo...let's admit it, they are a toxic couple.

Aaaaaaand that concludes the "Were They in Love" trilogy, my attempted at doing consistent editorial work for my blog discussing iconic couples that have actually mediocre love stories. I don't know what I'm doing next with this silly blog as I'm now working full-time and trying to pursue publishing on the side, so...until next time, whenever that may be.

Who is talking about Pixar's "Elemental"?

When the trailer for Pixar's newest film dropped, I immediately thought it seemed a bit gimmicky. Okay, so we have a city of sentient beings of Fire, Water, Earth, and Air. They all live in a multicultural city, Zootopia-style. The trailer showed only one Fire person as someone who was hiding herself, as if Fire people were being ostracized from society. And to top it all off, the Fire person has a meet-cute with a Water person.

From the get-go, I already seemed to know what the story would be. It was a mixed-matched love story with themes about overcoming prejudice. I wasn't super interested. In fact, I was starting to lose my love for Pixar as a studio after the release of Incredibles 2. 

Here's a completely skippable flash-review of the last few years of Pixar films in case anyone's interested...

Incredibles 2: Good but not as good as the first one, criminally missed opportunity to have the characters grow up
Toy Story 4: Didn't watch it due to reboot fatigue
Onward: Watched it at home and actually really enjoyed it
Soul: Watched it at home and was very perplexed
Luca: Haven't seen it
Turning Red: Watched it twice, liked it a lot
Lightyear: Haven't seen it, keep forgetting it exists

In short, Pixar films haven't inspired or interested me like they used to, probably because I've grown up and become somewhat cynical. I was completely prepared to ignore Elemental, until I realized that nobody was talking about it. Onward got screwed over because of the Pandemic release, I heard good words about Soul and Luca, and Turning Red became a source of memes and stupid controversy (some people just hate media aimed for young girls and get pissy when they're not the target audience...).

But I hadn't heard anything about Elemental. I did some digging around the Internet and found some quotes of critical consensus. Here's the highlights:

"[Elemental] received praise from critics for its animation, though its screenplay was considered underwhelming" - Wikipedia as of August 13th 2023.

"[Elemental] may not satisfy as fully as the greatest Pixar pictures, but it remains a solid story told with dazzling visual flair" - Rotten Tomatoes as of August 13th 2023.

And honestly, after seeing it...I completely agree with the above statements. 

But here are some more detailed thoughts as to why I think Elemental was only "good but not great."

1. It's a love story. 

Nothing against love stories, I love a good romance when it's done right. The problem with Elemental is that for me, it couldn't strike a balance between the conflict of the forbidden love of Water + Fire and the conflict of the protagonist, Ember, deciding that she wants to live her own dream. 

In short, the "Pixar formula" is that each character ends up wanting the exact opposite of what they wanted at the start of the film. For example, Marlin wants to keep his son Nemo safe at all costs, but ends up learning to let him grow up and have freedom. Sully wants to be the top scarer, but after learning that what they're doing is actually hurting human kids, he learns another way that they can create energy. The list goes on, but for just about every Pixar film, the "twists" in the protagonists' goals are there.

In Elemental, Ember is set up to want to inherit her father's store as a way of repaying his sacrifice of leaving his homeland for a better life in Element City. Throughout the narrative, Ember discovers her talent for making glass sculptures and realizes she has potential as a creator and artist, instead of a shop keeper. The "Pixar ending" is that Ember tells her father the truth about what she wants and leaves for a glassmaking internship in another city.

But the other main plot of the story is really Ember's romance with Wade, a public facilities inspector who comes out from a burst pipe in the family's shop. What starts as them trying to stop the store from being shut down blooms into a romance of them exploring the city together, getting to know each other better, and realizing they care for each other. The romantic buildup was fine and had some really realistic moments that we don't see in a lot of love stories, like the fact that they both know their feelings are mutual for a long time before they properly act upon them (as opposed to a "oMG I'm so confused do I like him or not? I SWEAR I DON'T LIKE HIM" moment).

Honestly I thought they were a cute couple. Who doesn't love an
"opposites attract" story?

For me, having Ember's priorities be both her dreams and the love interest did not gel well. While the characters had great chemistry, I didn't end up caring about them ending up together towards the end as much as the movie was telling me to. I was much more invested in seeing Ember grow as a character outside of her relationships to the male characters in the story.

(Side note: The romance between Bob and Helen Parr from The Incredibles is absolutely amazing to me because it's an established couple going through changes in their lives together, and it's not the main source of tension in the story. I just want every romance in a narrative be like how it is in The Incredibles.)

Ah, the battle couple. My lifelong favorite.

2. The world doesn't feel "lived in."

While I loved the designs, the imagination, and the animation of Elemental, the worldbuilding itself felt surprisingly weak. 

There's already been a lot of discussion about how Zootopia failed to tell an earnest narrative about predjudice. But what Zootopia did well, in my opinion, was making the titular city feel real. Zootopia had an established history, as well as side-narratives and explanations to how the city itself worked.

Element City felt a bit weak on a conceptual level, because you have to suspend your disbelief that creatures made of elements would need things like food, infrastructure, and clothing. 

Not only that, but it becomes a hindrance to the plot when you see how little the city itself actually plays into the story. 

Wade meets Ember because some pipes burst in her home. It's implied that there's bad flooding going on in Fire Town, because the city wasn't built to accommodate Fire people, which is honestly a real piece of commentary on how cyclical social injustice works.

Despite that, the flooding issue becomes a problem that is temporarily addressed and doesn't really return until the film's climax. Element City was more of a backdrop and an underused gimmick than an actual "character" like you see in other films.

It doesn't help that the side characters in the story aren't that interesting. There's an Earth kid who hangs out with Ember at her store, Wade's Air person boss who shows up to be helpful now and then, and the other Fire people who frequent the store. Other than that, the background characters feel lifeless, like NPCs in a video game. 

I only remember these characters' names because they are puns.

That could be a microcosm of the concept - after all, it's hard to create dynamic character design that adds life to background characters when they are all embodiments of physical elements. From a design perspective, it's hard to build personality that way.

Let's wrap it up...

I don't hate this film. In fact, I really enjoyed it. I just think that it has a few weaknesses on a conceptual level that held it back. 

Another thing to consider is that Elemental probably wasn't going to be the next Finding Nemo, or Ratatouille. I don't want to be a naysayer who says "Pixar is just bad now," but consider this:

What all the Pixar films of the 90s and the 2000s had was the advantage of timing. It's hard to imagine it, but there was a time when Pixar was one of only a few studios putting out CG films. It was really good at making movies that had innovative visuals and impeccable storytelling.

The problem isn't that "Pixar is getting worse." The problem is that "the competition is getting better." Just watch animated movies like Nimona and Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse and you'll see what I mean.

                                        

Disney's "The Replacements" Retrospective

Last month, I wrote about The Fairly Oddparents, a cartoon about a boy with fairy godparents that grant his every wish. While researching TFO and cartoons in the 2000s for that article, it brought up a lot of memories of shows I watched as a kid. 

At some point I asked myself, "Wasn't there a show on Disney Channel kind of like The Fairly Oddparents, but it was about two orphans with the power to replace any adult they don't like? Or did I just imagine that?"

Needless to say, this show wasn't just a Mandela-affect imagining or fever dream. 

I can't even find a high-res JPEG of this show. That's how obscure and forgotten it is.

The Replacements (no, not those other Replacements) was cartoon that ran on Disney Channel from 2006-2007 for 52 episodes. The plot is about two kids, Riley and Todd, who have a special cell phone that connects them to Fleemco, a company that replaces anyone they want with a "better" version. As a part of their deal with Fleemco, the kids got two parents to adopt them, a British spy named Agent K and a washed-up daredevil named Dick Daring.

The formula for every episode is as follows: Riley or Todd are bothered by some person, they use the Fleemco phone to replace them, the kids suffer unexpected consequences, and they learn a valuable lesson about life at the end.

Don't like your scout leader? Just pull out your cellphone and LITERALLY REPLACE HER

with someone else!

The Replacements reeks of cliches from the mid 2000s. Riley Daring is a girly girl who loves ponies and has a crush on the hot blond kid. Her brother Todd likes skateboarding and hates school. And of course, they've got their own Dumb Dad and Smart Mom to have zany adventures with. They all have snarky friends, including an evil school bully and a nerd who's the punching bag for all the jokes. 

More on this later.

Honestly, I don't remember much about this show at all. I definitely watched a few episodes here and there, but it wasn't something that I was a real fan of, not in the same way I loved Spongebob Squarepants, The Fairly Oddparents, or even Phineas and Ferb. Yet, this cartoon remained somewhere in the deep caverns of my memory, as it popped into my mind every so now and again.

Rewatching a few episodes on Disney+ (they still haven't uploaded Season 2), it's clear that the show doesn't go deep at all. It's very much a "comedy" cartoon, full of pop culture references and obvious jokes based on established cliches. 

But something about The Replacements interested me. For one, the creator, Dan Santat, ran his own blog to post updates about the process of running the show. It's very funny to read through and worth checking out if you want an inside look on what running a Disney cartoon was like in the 2000s. 

In case you wanted to know what a Disney Channel wrap party from 2007 looks like...

here you go.

As it turns out, one of the people who helped Dan Santat on The Replacements is a guy named Jack Thomas, who worked as a story editor for The Fairly Oddparents. None of this is to say that Disney stole from Nickelodeon, of course. While these two shows have similar themes and episode beats, they have clearly distinct styles and characters. 

Reading Dan Santat's blogs, we learn that he struggled a lot with working for television and preferred the creative freedom that comes with writing your own books, which is honestly relatable. Some of the changes he fought against, he actually won. Instead of being animated in Flash, The Replacements retained a hand-drawn quality that is still very charming to watch to this day. 

Santat's original concept design.

Okay, so how does the show itself hold up? I'll be honest, it's not super memorable. The kids Riley and Todd are pretty dull, and Dick Daring is just another doofus dad. The best character is probably Agent K, who delivers a lot of deadpan humor relating to tracking down evil scientists and the corrupt nature of global superpowers. There are a lot of jokes that actually made me crack up while watching, especially when it relates to social commentary as the kids replace one adult with a "superior" version. 

And - hold onto your hats - this is probably the best example of the "smart mom dumb dad" trope I've seen in a while. While Dick Daring can be an annoying character to deal with, his stupidity never actually hurts his family (unlike Cosmo from TFO...who coincidentally happens to be voiced by the same guy as Dick!). It also helps that Agent K isn't the brightest bulb herself. Her immersion in spy shenanigans sometimes makes her blind to what's in front of her. For the few episodes that focus on K and Dick's relationship, they actually make a cute couple.

"That can't be my husband! His hair isn't that fabulous! Obviously this is an impostor."

I don't think it's ever explained whether or not Dick and K were married before they became Todd and Riley's parents, but either way, the Darings make a really endearing family unit.

This is one of The Replacement's greatest strengths: its potential for appealing to different audiences. Obviously, kids will enjoy the power fantasy of being able to replace anything. As a person in their early 20s, I enjoyed this show because of how understandable the characters of Dick and K are. They often make jokes about how they have no idea what they're doing while raising their kids, but they still try their best.

I think that if this show were released in 2022, and with a few changes to the structure, this show could be a hit. Looking at the seminal cartoon Avatar: the Last Airbender (the show that every writer and their mother is trying to emulate), it is often praised for being enjoyable for multiple audiences. But instead of having The Replacements follow The Last Airbender model (not everyone can have genocide as a theme in their cartoon), I think that The Replacements should follow the Amphibia model. 

Check out a review of Amphibia by my friend Briana on her website!

Full disclosure: I haven't finished Amphibia. I'm midway through season 2, and from what I hear from my friends, there's more twists and turns and even a tear-jerking finale. 

But what I gathered from Amphibia (or at least the first season), it's that it straddles the line between serialized TV and episodic TV. 

TV writing 101: There are two types of shows.

1. Serialized shows that have a continuous story with each episode. The advantage is that you can build larger stories and reward viewers for sticking with the show and watching the characters change. These are your Avatar: the Last Airbender's and your She-Ra and the Princesses of Power's.

2. Episodic shows that "restart" the story with each episode. The advantage is that any casual viewer can pick it up without feeling like they missed out on anything. These are your Simpsons or Tom and Jerry's.

As it exists, The Replacements is very episodic. There are lots of running gags (like President George Washington's name being replaced as George Stapler), but there aren't any major story arcs that last more than one episode. 

The first season of Amphibia is very episodic. Each episode presents a new obstacle for the Plantar family of frogs as the human Anne Boonchuy fits into their world. You can probably watch most of season one out of order. But by the end of the first season, a twist happens that changes the way the story is told. Stakes are added that allows the writers to expand the story in the next season, and to change the settings and episodic cycle entirely.

In other words, the style of storytelling in Amphibia is "evolutionary," and I'd love to see something like that done with The Replacements.

Because of its "evolved" sense of storytelling, Amphibia was able to develop realistic characters and expand on them. It balances deep themes and childlike humor that appeals to all ages. On the contrary, The Replacements skirted a lot of topics that it could have gone deeper into, like what Todd and Riley's life was before being adopted. In a post Avatar: the Last Airbender and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic world, people of all audiences crave these pro-social kinds of stories. Let's just say the "found family" trope is so in right now, and The Replacements could totally capitalize on that.

                              

                                                    Fanart by RaygorMortis on Deviantart.com. 

Here's my pitch:

The Replacements begins with a 30-minute episode telling the origins of the characters. Basically, we go over all the exposition that we get in the show's theme song. Riley and Todd are orphans that discover a comic book that gives them access to a Fleemco cellphone, allowing them to "replace" anyone in their lives. First things first, they find themselves some parents. We also get to see Dick Daring and Agent K before they adopt the kids, and we answer key questions like, where they even married before all of this or were they "shipped" together by Fleemco? Both are interesting ideas full of potential. At first, Riley and Todd aren't used to their new parents, and are given the opportunity to return them to Fleemco. As the show establishes, each "replacement" is 100% voluntary (which was actually established in the 2006 show). But after some fun hijinks that involve a lot of family bonding, the Riley and Todd realize that they love their new parents, and decide to stay with them. By starting the series off this way, we can see different character interactions as the Daring couple and the kids meet each other for the first time. 

Season 1 continues with typical episodes of The Replacements that we've seen so far in the 2006 version - the typical formula of the kids replacing annoying adults and learning life lessons about honesty and appreciating what you have.

So what would Season 2 of this "evolved" story look like?

Here's the twist: Agent K, being the spy that she is, gets kidnapped. Not only that, but the kids' Fleemco cellphone is stolen. It's up to Dick, Todd, and Riley to get their mom back. Instead of the kids using the phone to replace people, Fleemco is used against them as people who are helping them on their mission are replaced by bad guys. Todd and Riley have to learn self-reliance on their own, until we get to the point where the two of them and their dad are on K's level of being super spies. 

Basically, we have an Incredibles-style super hero family.

All I want in life is an Incredibles TV show. That, and a few other things I'm not gonna get.

I'm not quite sure where we'd go with season 3, but having a spy main character opens up a lot of possibilities. 

Each episode can be episodic in nature, presenting a new "character of the day" to deal with, but the end of the season builds up to the ending of an arc. Since it's a show that, at its heart, is about a wacky family, I think this hypothetical Replacements reboot can do so much while staying relatively simple.

Today's cartoon audience has expanded. Shows like Amphibia, The Owl House, Trollhunters, Miraculous Ladybug, Voltorn, Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated, and plenty of others tell us that animation goes beyond being stupid stuff for kids. Cartoons and animation can be cleverly written, heartfelt, and innovative. 

When talking about his experience working on The Replacements, Dan Santat has gone on to say that "working creatively with a large corporation and numerous executives was rather frustrating because there was a feeling that there was a process of homogenization to try to appeal to as many kids as possible." This is sad when you consider the storytelling possibilities of a team that isn't restricted by corporate quotas and statistics.

With its premise and heart, The Replacements has a lot more potential than what the 2000s animation industry had in mind.

Oh, and one last final touch for my hypothetical reboot: MAKE DICK DARING A WOMAN. It's 2022, people! Riley and Todd should have two moms.

Happy Pride Month!!!

Where They In Love? #2: Cosmo and Wanda

Welcome to the second edition of "Where They in Love?" - a serious of editorials in which I analyze movies/books/TV shows that have great plot and characters, but an otherwise sucky romantic lead. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes the characters just have no chemistry. 

Today, we'll be going back to a favorite old cartoon of mine. 

"Yeah, right!"

The Fairly Oddparents was a Nickelodeon cartoon that aired from 2001 to 2016, A.K.A., the prime of my youth. I vividly remember that on Saturday mornings, after Spongebob Squarepants, The Fairly Oddparents' theme song would fill the room with its blasting trumpet and groovy opening theme. While I always preferred the talking sponge show, TFO wormed its way into my heart with its sassy humor and its irresistible premise. 

Recently, I revisited TFO and its production, and the show didn't quite hold up as much as I remembered. Part of that has to do with the duo Cosmo and Wanda themselves. So, they are on trial for this month's article. Today, we will not only find out "Where They In Love," but we might also discover a few other things about TV culture while we're at it.

Part One: A Fairly Odd Story

The Fairly Oddparents is a show about about Timmy Turner, a kid with a pretty annoying life. His parents are idiots, his babysitter is abusive, and his teacher is cruel. But it's not all bad for him - he has two fairy godparents here to help grant him wishes. 

The typical formula of an episode of TFO goes like this:

1. Something bothers Timmy

2. Timmy makes a wish to fix it

3. The wish backfires

4. Timmy and friends have to figure out how to get out of the mess

Honestly, look at any episode, and you'll find this exact same thing each time. Even Spongebob Squarepants has a lot of variety with episodes, as we can have stories focus on different locations and characters in Spongebob's wide circle. 

Despite being very reliant on formulas, TFO ran for a whopping 10 seasons, practically octogenarian in children's television standards. Clearly, something was working. Maybe it was the right balance between snappy humor and wild imagination that kept kids interested.

Oh, and every kid who watched this show wanted a Cosmo and Wanda.

We love a literal power couple.

Cosmo and Wanda double as Timmy's friends and guardians. They're always at the forefront of each episode, there to grant Timmy's wishes, crack jokes, and be there to help him out when times get rough. 

The creator of TFO, Butch Hartman, has a very substantial online presence. 

(There's actually a lot of controversies about him and his habit of lying ot his fans, but that's for another time.) 

In a video in which Hartman draws some of his characters, he describes the inspiration behind wanting a show about a kid with a fairy godmother, but added the spin of having a fairy godfather as well. Cosmo and Wanda are a happily married couple, a package deal. 

But when you watch the show as an adult, you realize that they kind of suck. 

Yayyyyy guess this makes me just another adult complaining about a children's cartoon. 

Part Two: The Case

At first, Cosmo and Wanda seem like an "opposites attract" type couple. Cosmo is the goofy dad type, and Wanda is more of the voice of reason. 

This is a common trope seen in television especially. At first this trope came to be as a response to 50s and 60s sitcoms, in which the woman of the house was flighty and emotional, and the man of the house had to set everything right. To show that women could be intelligent and able to manage a household as well, the TV married couple stereotype flipped.

  

Two iconic TV couples from completely different eras.

This trope extends its way to children's television. On the off chance we get a kid who has two parents who are actually are in the picture, they often follow the "dumb dad smart mom" trope. Take a look at shows like Good Luck Charlie or The Amazing World of Gumball and you'll see what I mean.

Cosmo and Wanda follow this trope in suit. But when looking back at some old episodes, I was shocked just how vicious their behavior towards each other are, particularly with Cosmo. 

To refresh yourself on their personalities, here's a video with a compilation of Cosmo acting like a jerk.

He constantly cracks jokes about how much he hates marriage and that women are terrible. Not only that, but his rampant stupidity often causes problems, and it's up to Wanda to fix them. It seems like neither of them are getting anything beneficial out of this relationship. I know it's a kid's show, but it's a really toxic portrayal of what a "happily married couple" looks like. It makes me wonder if any kids watching this show ingested some wrong ideas about love.

And it's not like a couple on TV needs to be constantly bickering in order to be funny. In the Cartoon Network show Chowder, the resident old married couple was Chef Mung Daal and Truffles. They gave each other a few jabs here in there, but it was never unbalanced as it was with Cosmo and Wanda. Mung and Truffles show that you can have a funny couple in a show, without any unfortunate implications. 

This show is so underrated. Chowder Appreciation Week when?

From the creators of The Fairly Oddparents, it's an example of lazy writing at best, and making fun at abusive situations at worst. 

But...the story doesn't stop there.

Part Three: In Another Life

I really became interested in The Fairly Oddparents again after I stumbled onto the original pilot series, which is completely available for free on YouTube. 

If you didn't already know, TFO began as a series of animated shorts that ran as part of Nickelodeon's "Oh Yeah!" cartoon anthology. In total, there were ten episodes lasting around six minutes each. The animation style had a rougher and more hand-drawn look, and the voice for Timmy was different before being voiced by Tara Strong. 

There were a lot more errors and consistencies, but honestly I prefer this visual style. 

It has a lot more charm to it.

The most stark difference about these ten shorts is that the character of Cosmo is completely different.

Don't believe me? Watch the pilot.

In this first incarnation of TFO, Cosmo is smart, suave, and has a voice to match it. He's actually played by the same guy, Daran Norris (a.k.a. the janitor from Ned's Declassified). In the pilot, there are a lot more jokes about Cosmo and Wanda flirting with each other. Not only is Cosmo not an idiot, but he and Wanda seem to be actually in love.

Wanda herself changed, too. In the original, she's a bit more chaotic and sassy. In fact, Cosmo and Wanda often act as the same character. I can understand that when developing into a full TV series, the writers wanted Cosmo and Wanda to be more distinct from one another, but they could have gone down a better path than the one they chose. 

The most interesting Butch Hartman video is his reaction to the original pilot, mistakingly calling it "the lost episode." 

Hartman goes in-depth into the production of the episode, so if you're a fan of creator commentary and behind-the-scenes stories, I highly recommend you check it out.

What's most important about Hartman's commentary is that he acknowledges Cosmo was a different character, but says that the final product was an improvement. According to Hartman, he seems to think that the stupidity for stupid's sake counts as comedy. The stupider Cosmo became, the funnier he was to Hartman.

There's nothing wrong with having a character who's a bit dimwitted. In the early seasons of Spongebob Squarepants, Patrick wasn't just stupid. Patrick's misconceptions led to a lot of humor, like the episode where he told Spongebob that breathing air was "fancy" in order to impress Sandy. But when a stupid character causes more problems with their idocy, they can become hard to tolerate. 

Always remember: there is a difference between someone being stupid and someone being foolish.

At some point Hartman says he wanted a sense of "fun" with the godparents loving each other, 

but I guess that failed to translate during the development of the series. 

Unless Hartman is just delusional. 

Which we all know he is.

I'm interested to see what would have been different if Cosmo's character was kept in his original form, before he devolved into a blundering idiot. But that's not the version of TFO we got.

My ruling is: Cosmo and Wanda are in love because the writers say so. 

So what did we learn from this deep dive? 

According to Butch Hartman and bunch of other TV execs, "wife bad = funny." That, and sometimes in the development process, not every change is for the better. 

As for myself, I'm not going to do any TFO binges any time soon. I loved it as a kid, but it did not age well. The show remains an interesting case study of how even a good idea can deteriorate over time. For all the good that it gave us ("Jimmy Timmy Power Hour," "Channel Chasers"), TFO has jumped the shark more than once before finally kicking the bucket.

I don't even know...

Where They in Love? #1: Evita

Welcome to the first edition of "Where They in Love?" This is a new series of editorials I'll be writing in which I analyze movies/books/TV shows that have great plot and characters, but an otherwise sucky or lame romantic lead. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes the characters just have no chemistry. 

The first "love" story that's on the chopping block is the musical Evita. The romance presented in this musical is like nothing else you'll ever see, so I thought it was worth writing about. That, and I've been obsessed with this 40-year-old musical for some reason, so this is my outlet.

Oh, what a circus...

Part One: The Crash Course on Evita

Evita is a musical first produced in 1978, written by his holiness Andrew Lloyd Webber and with lyrics by Tim Rice. For a great introduction to the legacy of the title character and a taste of the music, here's a great video to get you started:

A live performance of "And the Money Kept Rolling In" from the 2012 Tony Awards,
introduced by a hostess I don't recognize. Sorry.

While it's not a household name like some of Webber's other musicals (Phantom of the Oprah, Cats), Evita was still successful enough to tour over ten times since its premiere and even led to a film adaptation in 1996 staring Madonna. Yes...that Madonna. 

Sources say she wanted this role so much that she wrote letters to the director, Alan Parker.

Evita tells the story of Eva Perón, an important historical figure of South American pop culture and politics. For six years, she was married to Juan Perón, former president of Argentina. Perón was in office from 1946 from 1955, and despite both him and Eva being long dead, they remain extremely controversial figures in Argentina to this day.

Full disclosure: I'm not Argentinian. I did a bit of research for the writing of this article, but I am in no means an expert on the subject of Argentina and its history. Frankly, because these are long-dead real people who were deep in the politics of their own country, it's hard to find any resource on them that I'm sure is factually reliable. So take everything I say with a grain of salt. 

Is this what Buenos Aires is really like??? Don't know, haven't been.

Supposedly, Webber and Rice only had access to one biography about Eva Perón, which happened to be written by one of the Peróns' opponents. There was a lot of outside bias that influenced the writing of Evita that Webber and Rice were themselves unaware of, so the musical itself is full of inaccuracies. The general life story of Eva is very sensational. 

Searching for success as an actress, a teenage Eva Perón moved to Buenos Aires. She gained some notoriety as a radio performer. At a charity concert, she met and later married Colonel Juan Perón. She became essential to his political campaigns as a spokesperson and icon, being dubbed the "spiritual leader of Argentina." 

A picture of the real Eva Duarte Perón.

The musical Evita follows the title character as she rises from squalor to glory, yet ultimately succumbs to illness. The story doesn't really go into the details about Peronism and its impact on the scene of Argentinian politics, which is understandable, because that would be far too complex for a general audiences. There's also evidence that President Juan Perón was a Nazi sympathizer, which isn't a good look for anyone. 

Instead of all that ugliness that comes with being a near dictator, Evita the musical gives a vague overview on the Perons' complex actions and attitudes while in office. Sometimes, Eva's opportunism and Juan's willingness to oppress his opponents paint them as scheming villains. Yet, they are still endeared to the audience through moments of vulnerability. The character of Juan is shown to be weak without his wife, and Eva pushes herself too hard out of her own childhood trauma. The musical ends with the death of Eva, her last line being a haunting message to the children she never had, symbolically addressing all of Argentina: "Oh my daughter! / Oh my son! / Please understand what I have done."

As a musical, there is a lot to admire. There aren't any orchestral showstoppers like "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" or "Memory," instead leaning more into modern styles of pop and Latin music. "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" is still an incredible song because of how the context changes its meaning. When Eva first sings the song, it's her apologizing for her pursuing a life of fame when she always should have been helping the poor people of her country. The second time we hear her sing, it's a message from beyond the grave, as she serenades the thousands who mourn her. While the songs of Evita lack an earworm, they make up for in how much story and character they pack in. In terms of historical musicals, Evita walked so Hamilton could run. In fact, both stories are told to the audience from a narrators' perspective, with Aaron Burr telling Hamilton's story and the enigmatic Che telling Eva's story.

Elena Roger as Evita, the first actual Argentinian to play the title character.

Part Two: Where Eva and Juan in Love?

In the musical, it's clear that Eva and Juan only married each other for the benefit of their own careers. They did not really fall in love. I even understood this as a thirteen-year-old watching Evita for the first time at a local theater. 

Eva and Juan meet midway through act one, through the musical number "I'd Be Surprisingly Good for You." In this scene, Eva immediately proposes they become a couple. The arguments she presents immediately win him over as they both realize how their relationship could be mutually beneficial. She gets exposure through him, and he gets a First Lady to help promote his political campaigns. To hammer in the point of how fake it all is (at least in the stage performances), Eva and Juan break into a refrain of the song "Goodnight and Thank You," proclaiming "There is no one, no one at all / never has been, and never will be a lover, male or female / who hasn't an eye on, in fact they rely on / tricks they can try on their partner." 

But the music, man. The atmosphere. The saxophone in this song is so jazzy and sensual. The chemistry between the two is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. There is no real "romance" in the story, as it focuses on Eva and Juan's political climb, but the performance of the actors always makes it feel romantic. Each actor plays it different, from Patti LuPone's determination and assertiveness (from the Original Broadway Cast recording of 1979), to Madonna's sultry seductive tone. The end result is always the same. A marriage of convenience, at the very least. 

Another important thing I realized while listening to Evita recently is that out of all of Eva's arguments that she makes, this is the one that is the most effective. In her acting career and her political career, Eva struggles to gain an audience that wholly believes in her. Juan Perón is portrayed as the one person who was completely compelled by her, hanging onto every word.

Beyond their initial chemistry, Eva and Juan are united in many things. They are united in how they let down people in their life ("Another Suitcase in Another Hall" from the point of view of the lover Juan abandoned, "Santa Evita" from the point of view of the public that Eva does not actually go out of her way to help). They are united in how involvement in politics drastically ruined the quality of their lives. They are probably the only people they could understand. It's very likely that through the course of the story, their feelings might have grown to become genuine.

Evidence for this is few and far between. Evidence for this includes the song "Dice Are Rolling." On stage, Juan is trying to convince Eva to slow down her pace and think of her health. When she collapses, he rushes to her side. In the musical score, we hear a refrain of "I'd Be Surprisingly Good For You," the song of their courtship. Except now, it's slower, sounding broken, reflecting the state of Eva and Juan's willpower as she crumbles. This highlights just how important their meeting and their partnership was to both of their success, but when one fails, they both fail.

Another strong piece of evidence comes in the form of the song "You Must Love Me." This Oscar-bait song was written exclusively to promote the '96 film adaptation. While its exigence may be cynical, the result is an emotional moment between Eva and Juan as they come to terms with her eminent death. In the song, Eva sings to Juan, implying that she has developed deep feelings that she can't speak aloud, and insisting to him, "You must love me." This is a double-entendre, as Eva is pleading Juan to comfort her in her dying moments, and also her asserting he must have developed feelings for her too after all they've been through. Ignoring the song's sappy lyrics, way that this scene is staged is sublime. Juan's devotion for his wife is evidence as he takes care of her, despite the legion of servants who are supposed to do the job for him. This song was so well-received that it became incorporated into later stage productions of Evita.

I'm the president, dammit! If I want to carry my sick wife up the stairs 

bridal-style in the saddest way possible, I'll do it!

While Eva is the protagonist and her goal is fame and political influence, her relationship to Juan is also integral to the story. The plot is not inherently romantic, where the success of her journey rides or dies on her falling in love. Whether or not Eva even "achieves" her goal in this story is up do debate, as she dies of a young age with half of her beloved country hating her. Yes, she became one of the most famous women in all of Latin America, but at what cost? Regardless, she wasn't alone. Whether they loved each other or not, Eva had Juan, and Juan had Evita. Neither of them could have gotten where they were without the other. 

My ruling is: Eva and Juan have a "Stealth Romance." 

It wasn't their plan to fall in love. Their political ambitions always took priority over their personal lives. But given all they did together, they had to love each other at least a little bit. 

Of course, this is not a statement about the real people Eva Perón and Juan Perón. We have no idea what they were getting up to in real life. It probably wasn't good, as two out of three of Juan's wives (including Eva herself) died of cervical cancer, which women often get from having HPV. Juan probably reduced Eva's lifespan. There's also evidence that Eva was forced to have a lobotomy, a common surgery performed on "hysterical women" back in the 40s and 50s. Juan was also twice Eva's age when they met, so that makes things a little creepy.

But Evita the musical is separated enough from Eva the person that I think we can talk about one without referring to the other. I'll continue to enjoy listening to the many adaptations of Evita in the future, and continue to appreciate one of the most unique stories of partnership ever told. 

Eva and Juan, underwhelmingly tragic. Or, perhaps, tragically underwhelming.

Alternative Dinosaur Media

HOT TAKE:

The new scary T-Rex is the chicken-faced fluff monster who emits a low rumble instead of a roar.

Recently I've been on a huge dinosaur kick. This is due to the fact that I'm writing a book about a dinosaur brain resurrected into a human body. I'll level with you all: the story is completely impulse-driven and lacks a coherent plotline, as well as suffers from a consistent tone. For inspiration, I've been revisiting some lesser-known pieces of Dinosaur-centric art.

Everyone loves the nostalgic classics like Jurassic Park and Land Before Time, but what else is there in the world of dinosaur fiction and storytelling? Here's a list of different pieces of media that are very Dinosaur-focused that you may or may not have heard about!

Raptor Red - 1995 Novel by Robert T. Bakker

Here's a fun story. On a trip to Colorado to visit some extended family of mine, we visited Dinosaur Ridge. It's a hybrid indoor/outdoor museum that takes you through reconstructed bone fossils and even fossilized footprints on nearby rock walls. At the gift shop, I picked up a cool-looking book called Raptor Red. The shopkeeper informed me that the author, archeologist Robert T. Bakker, just so happened to be there at the museum. I introduced myself as a young writer and got Bakker to sign my copy. I remember the scene perfectly...he was in a rocking chair, gazing at the dry Colorado landscape like a cool old dude should be. I've actually read through his findings a lot as part of my research for my own book, and I hope to meet Bakker again someday and express my regards. 

My signed copy is one of my most precious possessions. 

Raptor Red is a fictionalized account of what the life of Utahraptors might have been like. It follows the eponymous Raptor Red as she struggles to find a mate and a safe place to settle down. There's no dialogue or anthropomorphization involved, making it as scientific as possible. The point of view also wanders around to different creatures of the Cretaceous period, like early crocodilians and frogs, giving you a full scope of what the land might have been like. The narrative tone itself might come off as dry, since it reads like a fictional documentary. If you have an interest in dinosaurs and a keen imagination, Raptor Red will hopefully entertain and educate you. There's no other book quite like it. 

Darbi - ongoing comic by Sherard Jackson

If you're the type of person who prefers a striking visual component when it comes to imagining Dinosaurs, this comic may be thing for you. Even if you're not a huge fan of Dinosaurs, and enjoy narratives about war and family, Darbi might be worth checking out. 

FAIR WARNING THOUGH: There is a lot of gore. 

I love this little motherfucker.

I discovered Darbi through the Webtoon app, which provides thousands of free-to-read comics from a diverse number of creators. Darbi tells the story of a young T-Rex as he makes his way through the tragedies and hardships that come with living in the Dinosaur world. It's a dark story, but when it attempts to foster heartfelt moments, they are completely earned. 

Aside from the plot, which makes your heart ache and rewards you in equal measures, the artwork is absolutely phenomenal. The creator, Sherard Jackson, adds so much motion in his linework. Yet, the colors feel soft, capturing the duality of the story itself. Not to mention Jackson's imagination in giving worldbuilding to the Dinosaurs, while still keeping their designs modern. Big feathery T-Rex with a mohawk? Hell yes.

The only drawback, aside from the previously mentioned gore (and there is a lot), the dialogue of the characters might through you off, because the way they speak is very human-like. But if you're a fan of Tarantino-esc action, Boondox-style irreverent humor, and badass motherfucking Dinosaurs, I cannot recommend Darbi enough. Darbi doesn't fit the mold for the popular Webtoon model of sensitive love stories (Lore Olympus, Castle Swimmer, Suitor Armor, etc.), but I think this comic deserves so much love. Not to mention, it's totally free to read.

The Rite of Spring - sequence from Disney's 1940 film Fantasia 

Historically speaking, Fantasia is an important film. It set the president for music videos and gave 2D  animators the opportunity to experiment with their craft like never before. Fantasia is composed of seven different animated segments set to different pieces of classical music. The most iconic being The Sorcerer's Apprentice, staring Mickey Mouse in the classic blue wizard hat. 

Granted, Fantasia is not a perfect film, as some animated segments aren't as visually interesting as the others. It's also difficult watching through the entire thing in one sitting.

My favorite segment, the one that I return to watch again and again, is The Rite of Spring. This animated segment portrays Earth in prehistoric times, following the evolution of life on Earth and ending with the death of the Dinosaurs. There is no dialogue or typical narrative structure, allowing the splendid visuals alone to carry you through. Through subtle artistry, it captures the quiet mystery of prehistoric times.

                                            

Fantasia is not without its controversies, and this segment in particular was criticized for displaying a scientific view on how life began on Earth. I live in a Western society where a lot of cultural input on beauty and majesty has been greatly influenced by religious imagery. The Rite of Spring shows us that there is beauty and majesty in the world of scientific imagination. 

The Rite of Spring does not attempt to draw any great moral message, or even a greater purpose. It simply allows Disney artists to portray prehistoric lifeforms. It is a work of art that simply exists beyond "good" and "evil," portraying nature in its most pure state. Dinosaurs were just something that happened. How it makes you feel is completely up to you.

In my mind, The Rite of Spring segment of Fantasia is one of the highest pieces of art Disney has produced. It expresses one of the most mysterious episode of Earth's history in sublime detail and with great imagination. No talking animals or a celebrity voice cast is necessary.

Fossil Fighters - 2008 video game for the Nintendo DS

WARNING: Rant ahead of me talking about this obscure cornerstone of my childhood.

When I was nine years old, I saw a trailer for this video game. I thought about it for weeks afterwards, imagining a Pokémon-like game of capturing and battling creatures - except those creatures were Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs I had to bring back from the dead, using their fossils that I dug up myself. To a nine-year-old me, that was the ultimate power fantasy. On my tenth birthday, my uncle asked me if there was any gift I wanted that I didn't get. I told him I wanted Fossil Fighters on the DS. He drove me to a GameStop and bought it for me, no questions asked. I had to admit, I felt a little embarrassed asking for a game that was clearly marketed for boys (more on that later), but I felt so happy as soon as it was in my hands that it didn't even matter anymore. Throughout the years, while I sold many of my old video games, I always held onto Fossil Fighters. I still have the original case and cartridge to this day. 

So, what is this game about, other than making scientific abominations and giving them to children with barely any regulations?

The story of Fossil Fighters starts out pretty generic. You're the new kid on an island full of people who battle using resurrected Dinosaurs, dubbed "Vivosaurs." Every chapter of the game, you go on a new quest and learn more about the world and the characters around you. And of course, every new location you unlock gives you access to all kinds of Dinosaurs, Dinosaurs I would've never learned about otherwise. While the designs aren't scientifically accurate, they are unique, dynamic, and full of personality.

Ourano, a.k.a. the Ouranosaurus. The first Vivosaur I ever got to a gold ranking.

What if I told you he's a great dancer?

The combat distinguishes itself from Pokémon in many ways. The first thing that's different is that you control three monsters for each turn. The position of the Vivosaurs on the battlefield is crucial. Each species has different buffs that they attribute to the team's "leader," so if you go into a battle unprepared, you will definitely be at a disadvantage. The NPCs in Fossil Fighters aren't feeding you bullshit about how your bond with your creatures will make them stronger, like they do in literally every piece of Pokémon media, so you won't feel guilty about optimizing your team. When you play Fossil Fighters, it really makes you think critically about your decisions. This is an improvement from Pokémon, in which all you really need to do to win is memorize type matchups and know when to change characters. 

One of the most fun (and stressful) parts about Fossil Fighters is the mini game in which you have to clean your fossils of rock and debris. This is completely reliant on the Nintendo DS's touch screen, so don't expect a remake of this game anytime soon. *sigh*

The plot starts off pretty predictable, giving you a fake-out ending where you have to take down the leader of a band of bad guys. Very Pokémon-esc indeed. In fact, there's a trio of higher-ranking bad guys that disturbingly mimic the iconic Team Rocket Trio from the Pokémon anime.

Somebody call Officer Jenny, this can't be legal.

The story takes a crazy turn when we get into some shenanigans with aliens and time travel. There's also a surprising existential twist that makes you question the origins of humanity. Are we truly natives of Earth, or is life on Earth the result of other astral bodies and higher beings? That kind of stuff blew my mind as a ten-year-old.

The best part about the narrative is the characters. Holy moly, these characters are funny! I recently replayed the game as a 21-year-old, and I found myself snickering the whole way through. Some of my favorites are the helpful but absent-minded Dr. Diggins, the absolute madman Nick Nack, and the jolly ghost pirate Captain Woolbeard. The 3-D models allow the characters to have more dynamic movement than sprites, which allows for more comedic opportunities.

Did you also know this game about resurrecting dinosaurs has love interests? The game forces you into a male protagonist role, which was something I wasn't thrilled about as a ten-year-old. I appreciated how Pokémon let you choose between male or female avatars, though I almost always picked the male ones. I just liked having the option. It soon became evident to me that they forced you to play as the male character because you have two love interests. There's Rosie Richmond, your bratty but well-meaning best friend who's with you from the start. Then there's Duna, the mysterious and distant stranger who is part of the great mystery in the finale. The end of the game gives you the option to choose who you like better. According to the fans, Duna is the "right" choice, but to me, I was a Rosie loyalist. No, seriously, that's the moment I should have known I wasn't hetero. Rosie Richmond was my first fictional crush, and ten-year-old me was madly in love.

Fossil Fighters taught me about dinosaurs and how to be gay.

As a kid, Fossil Fighters gave me an incredible chance to escape into the dinosaur world. It was the perfect balance of a unique story, lovable characters, and challenging gameplay. There were even educational opportunities, as each Vivosaur you found added to a bonus library of fun facts about their real-world Dinosaur counterparts. Unfortunately, I didn't find enjoyment in the sequels, and it seems the franchise has become extinct. But I still have the fossils. I never realized how big of an impact this game had on my life until just recently, so I'm glad I got to share my appreciation for this obscure title.

If you want to know more about this quirky little game, here's a few funny videos that describe them better than I can.

That wraps it up for this month's article. January is my least favorite month of the year, so thank you for bearing with me while I gush on about something that gives me joy. Dinosaurs may be extinct, but we can learn so much from what they left behind. They are inspiring as well as humbling, reminding us that life on Earth can be easy to take, but impossible to wipe out.